- I wasn’t expecting company, but there was a knock at the door anyhow.

- I had never been good at singing, but that never stopped me from being a boyfriend, father, son, or human being in general.

- I dozed on the couch that morning, as I am wont to do after a night at work, when a very loud crash outside woke me.

- I have a rash.

- The dough resisted my attempts to roll it into a ball, but I proved the better of the sticky mass.

- My son laughed.

- The arrow narrowly hit me, by which I mean the scar makes for great stories when chatting up women in bars.

- Mike watched the snow falling through the window, cigarette in hand and coffee in cup.

- “You’re such an asshole!”

- “Don’t let me fool you. I’m a pretty big asshole.”

- My boss was talking to me, and I’m sure it was something very serious about how I was going to lose my job, but all I could think about was the Viennese Waltz.

- My ex girlfriend’s exclamation of “Not even if you were the last man on earth” would finally be put to the test.

- This is a story of severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and the theraperutic value of Oreos.

- That puppy next door had it coming for a long time.

- The body was heavier than I thought it would be.

- I drank the coffee, quietly watching people coming and going when a most peculiar midget walked in.

- “Well, if I had my way you’d be neck deep in yogurt with midgets poking at your eyes with sticks” the Duke warned “and it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done that, either”.

- The blood spattered in a most attractive way as my head struck the pavement.

- “‘Ey! Fock you, pal!”

- I’m sure you’ve wondered where the missing socks go, since it is one of the great mysteries of the modern world.

- Cell phones have minds of their and Mike’s cell phone was currently thinking “You daft bastard! Your ex doesn’t want you back, so quit using me to leave book sized text messages on her cell phone!”

- “Don’t you think jumping is a bridge is a rather cliche way to kill yourself, mate?”

- The slap she gave me didn’t hurt my face as much as it did my feelings, but I’m man enough to admit I really did deserve it.

- Sometimes I wonder what a cigarette would think about being smoked.

- Again, the sun rose.

- The sun never seemed to rise.

- I stared at the ceiling awake, listening to the ocean and the breathing of the woman beside me.

- Things were going quite well in my life so far, but then I stubbed my toe.

- Mike had no idea that his liver looked like that.

- “Well, Leslie, I must say, given all that’s happened and despite the fact that I still love you, you’re quite the cunt, aren’t you?”

- The tapping of the keys were quite hypnotic, forming a weird rhythm that you couldn’t dance to unless you were on ecstasy, covered in glow sticks, and nearly naked in a crowded rave with some guy named Angel touching your ass.

- Rick didn’t like to drink water from glasses.

- Mike ran until he was out of breath, which didn’t take long since he’d been smoking a pack a day for years.

- He didn’t want to look out the window, because being eye level with clouds makes you think of how high you are and begin to ponder the odds of surviving a plane crash.

- Doug watched the woman beat the man to a bloody pulp, but was more ethralled than concerned for the victim.

- As I lay on the floor of the convenience store I though “What would Tom Cruise do?”

- Sometimes I stare in the mirror until I can recognize myself.

- Alcohol has always made piss like a racehorse.